My son Clifford doesn’t even doubt that there will never be a cure for diabetes. When he talks about a time when he doesn’t have a chronic illness, he states it just like stating a fact, or his name and birth date. He is very certain there will be a cure, and even says if not then he will find it, since he cannot be in the military, like he wanted to be, he wants to be the doctor that cures diabetes if it hasn’t happened before then.
But one thing remains constant he has unlimited HOPE that it will happen. It is that hope you must hold on to when conversations like this morning happen. Clifford told me before getting his injection at breakfast that he isn’t happy with his life, I asked him to explain more and he said, not his whole life, he loves his life, but he isn’t happy with the diabetes part. There have been times when his sisters have told him they wished they needed insulin or needed to be tested, but Clifford told them that their pancreas still works and they don’t need it, and THAT is a great thing.
He said this all with no emotion, and acted like he was just stating a fact. I’m very happy and overwhelmed with joy that he has unlimited Hope for a cure, because honestly I can use some of that to rub off on me. There are day’s I’m not so sure. But the part where he states he is not happy with his life, the diabetes part, just takes your heart and breaks it in two, especially said straight from a child with no emotion just as if they were stating a fact.
We always know that are children are strong see that they handle the whole situation with having a chronic illness so well that we sometimes forget they battle themselves in their heads as well with everything that they have on their plates. It’s simply nothing short of heart breaking that he feels this way at such a young age. He shouldn’t have anything to worry about other than homework at school, or having to go to bed too early. Instead he deals with so much more.
In addition to all this that Diabetes throws onto our plates, there is the guilt. He’s been running high at night-time and during the day at school, for 1 million reasons that cannot be figured out because that is how Diabetes is. Sometimes they just want to be kids and have a lollypop. But when you battle highs such as we are, sometimes those special treats need to be put on the back burner.
Why? It’s not because he CAN’T have it, he can, he can have anything he wants, we just have to cover the carbs. The problem is I’m trying to get this high’s under control and figure out what is going on, and I didn’t want to add anything new into the picture right now.
The guilt can sometimes be overwhelming and cause frustration and unnecessary stress. I can speak from experience that this is something that sometimes you cannot avoid. It is a natural part of living with an illness that all it does is take, take, take. It happens. We all hit the diabetes wall at one time or another and that’s okay. Having hope despite the feeling of defeat is one of the ways you can soldier through the feelings of guilt, fear, frustration and stress.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be hope for a cure it can be hope for a better blood sugar day tomorrow, or hope for your numbers to be consistent through the night. One thing I’ve learned in dealing with this life for over 6 years now is that there are good days, and there are bad, but it’s always best to celebrate even the smallest victories.
Forget about that 400 from yesterday, celebrate the 100 you had today, because you did an amazing job to get there. It’s no small task with such a demanding and unpredictable disease, you deserve to celebrate it.
There you have it, not a full 100% bright and shiny post, but full of 100% truth. Diabetes is about many things, but from the last few days’ diabetes has been about
Not all bad, but you get the picture.